Tearing Apart at the Seams
by Thebabewiththepower96
Summary: It was times like these that made Rose question her position in Lissa's life.


At her vanity, Lissa sat distracted. While the mirror told a story of complete composure, not a hair out of place in her white blonde face, her skin unblemished and translucent, her jade eyes were vacant and her brows were slightly furrowed. Lissa wasn't exactly sure how she got here. Becoming Queen had never been apart of the scheme was just that, a scheme. It was only meant to work as a distraction to buy Rose time, not a legitimate play for power. Yet here she was the night before her coronation, there was no turning back, this time tomorrow she was to be Queen of the Moroi. If only Rose was here waiting with her. What made this seem so unreal was that Rose was not beside her soaking it in with her. The coronation suite was the kind of extravagant that would make Rose's jaw drop. Yet Lissa only had Jill to keep her company tonight, and while Jail Bait would have been fine company any other night there was an obvious strain. The revelation that she had a sister, that her father had been unfaithful and fathered Jill would make anyone feel uncomfortable. She could use her best friend.

However, Rose had yet to make it to the coronation room despite being cleared for duty hours earlier. With the murder charges dropped and a (mostly) clean bill of health Lissa had thought that Rose would not hesitate to come to her side on such a night. Nevertheless, she was not here. Why wasn't she there with her?

Rose had left the hospital wing a little over two hours ago. She was not exactly sure what to do with herself. On the eve of the coronation, arguably the most important night of her best friend's life, she knew that Lissa was expecting her; but she hadn't managed to convince herself to make the walk to the the royal chambers. She knew that there were a lot of eyes on her. While she had been cleared of all charges; that would not stop all suspicions, but the surveillance was not what made her hesitate. After all the straight up insane death defying shenanigans she had gotten into just to get back here the court's watchful eyes were the least of her worries. Rose knew she couldn't use Dimitri as an excuse for avoiding her obligation. Since that night he came to see her in the hospital, Dimitri had been doing his best to keep a respectful distance between them. His distance, however, was not like before, born out of some misguided need to protect, but instead born out of respect for her injury and wariness for unwanted eyes. Despite the fact that they were free to be together, Dimitri was still a private person.

It was strange to be here and she was not quite sure how to jump back into everything. She fought like hell to clear her own name and return to her best friend but things were different now. To return to being Lissa's emotional cushion after being on the run, after Victor, after getting shot just felt like too much right now. She was finally free of the bond. Free of the unwanted emotions that had slowly been driving her insane. Finally free of the forced peep show into Lissa's intimate moments with Christian. This was arguably her last night to enjoy it before she once again stepped into the role of Lissa's personal knight in shining armor. She knew she wasn't exactly being fair to Lissa and she knew she couldn't hide forever. Squaring her shoulders, she would face this head on, like she did everything else.

Rose was never one to really dwell on the past, a trait that Lissa admired. Unlike Rose, Lissa was prone to fits of nostalgia. She loved to look back and pour over every single memory, reliving each second. And after the whirlwind events of the past year tonight, more than any other, seemed like the perfect night to indulge in memories. Normally she would reflect upon memories of her brother and father. Yet neither her brother nor her father were there with her ( she was coming to understand they were as perfect as she remembered and she wasn't too keen on questioning everything she used to be so secure in). Her thoughts drifted to Rose, reminiscing about her oldest friend had become such a strong habit within the past few months that she couldn't tear her thoughts from her. Rose was always in the back of her mind.

So much had changed between them, even before Rose had been framed for murder. Lissa couldn't help but miss the days before Dimitri had brought them back to the Academy. Although they had been on the run from the Moroi, living amongst humans had given them a freedom Lissa never had before. In Oregon, Rose could kiss Lissa and she was free to love her back. She missed the kissing the most. She loved how Rose's shimmery lip gloss would mar the makeup on her cheek and mix with her own lipstick. This was never something that they talked about and this was the first time she had allowed herself to remember since they returned to the Academy. Rose's love wasn't ever a true option for Lissa and in all honestly they had bigger things to worry about. Yet since they had returned, the gap that had been nonexistent prior to their escape had only grown and silence had replaced the openness that used to define their friendship.

"When do you think Rose will get here." Jill asks, her quiet voice breaking Lissa out of her trance. Lissa almost jumps out of her chair. She had forgotten that Jill was still in here with her. "I don't really know." Lissa says with a sigh as she turns to face her new sister. Jill is sitting on the bed, nervously picking at her braid, her eyes down cast. Lissa had been so focused on Rose she forgot to bridge the gap between her and Jill and if she were being honest she wasn't completely sure how to build a relationship with Jill. Even before the big reveal that guaranteed her the crown, her and Jill's interactions were strained. It was strange to her how quickly Jill was accepted by the other after Rose introduced her. Lissa was not really impressed with Jill upon introduction. She thought Jill over eager and too young. The chilly feeling had been mutual and their relationship didn't exactly warm up even after she had become the group mascot. It seemed that Jill did not think much of her which became clear after the incident with Christian. Their history didn't exactly make this situation any better.

Before she could make a comment to banish all their awkward tension Rose walked in, queueing Jill to rush her best friend for a hug. The automatic shift in attention gave Lissa enough time to sigh in relief. Smiling, Lissa turned to face her oldest friend.

"Glad you're finally here." she exclaims, rushing in to give Rose her own hug after Jill had stepped back. "I missed you," she whispers into Rose's ear as Rose's arms come up to return her embrace. God, it felt good for her to be back in Rose's arms. "I missed you too." Rose said said taking a step back from the hug to look at Rose. Looking into her eyes Lissa was surprised at what she saw. She was not buzzing with energy like Lissa imagined she would be when they met again. Instead of being excited, Rose carried herself with a solemn air.

"Jill would you mind stepping outside for a bit I want to catch up?" Lissa ask, her voice sickly sweet as she turns her head to meet Jill's eyes. Jill's eye brows furrow, her jade eyes spark and narrow in the way that Andre's used to when he was suspicious. It makes Lissa uncomfortable but she presses forward. "Please?" Lissa asks her annoyance seeping through. "Why can't you catch up with me here?" Jill's voice is a high petulant whine. Being her big sister was not going to be a walk in the park. "It's okay Jail Bait, you and I can catch up after I talk with Lissa." Rose says reassuring her. Jill nods in reluctant deference to Rose before sauntering out of the room.

After Jill leaves the room, Lissa completes her inspection of Rose. Her best friend stood tall in black slacks and a plain long sleeved black shirt. "Already in uniform I see," Lissa jokes smiling at Rose. Rose's pink lips twitch before settling back into a flat line. "You know a guardian is never truly off duty." Rose replies with forced perkiness. Lissa is confused by the cold response from her friend. Rose had survived a gunshot to the chest yet by looking at her Lissa could detect no scars or bruises. Her face was clear of any makeup and Rose's long brown hair was pulled up into a ponytail, showing off her long brown neck. Rose's hands rested at her sides and her legs were a foot apart. She stood like she was about to take orders and stared back with a watchful type of patience. Grabbing Rose's hand she leaned in to kiss her cheek. "Come, let me show you what they plan to dress me in for tomorrow."

Now that Rose was here she felt like she was finally allowed to be excited about this despite the terrifying implications that she had yet to fully confront or acknowledge. But before she could drag her friend to the closet, Rose squeezed her hands to stop her. "How are you feeling Lissa? About all this?" Rose's began her eyebrows furrowing in concern, her brown eyes questioning. It is the most open Rose has been with her in awhile and Lissa desperately wants to soak it all in. "I'm not sure I'm ready for this Rose. So much is changing so fast. This was never supposed to be the plan." Lissa was fighting to keep her voice even. She had managed not to cry till now and she wasn't used to hiding from Rose in the way that Rose could hide from her.

Squeezing Lissa's hand, Rose took a step closer. Taking care of Lissa was a familiar task she had mastered long ago. It was as easy as breathing and it offered Rose a distraction from her lingering uneasiness. "I know Liss, getting chosen to be Queen was nowhere near your radar a year and a half ago and I am so sorry for convincing you to do this." The guilt was clearly written on Rose's face. "Didn't we say from now on we'd only do dangerous things together?" Lissa responded with a shrug and smile. Despite her misgivings about being Queen, Lissa found it hard to regret going for the position. It gave Rose the time she needed and now her voice would be heard. Rose shook her head ruefully.

"Well now that you're Queen I'll have more help protecting you. You are taking a hiatus from danger." Rose joked but Lissa held her a hand a little tighter.

"I cannot get over how much things have changed," Lissa began, looking into Rose's warm brown eyes. "Yeah, I know what you mean. This war has changed everyone" Rose says but Lissa isn't convinced that she means what she's saying.

Letting go of Rose's hand, Lissa raises her hands to cradle Rose's face. "No, I'm not talking about the fight between the Moroi and the Strigoi or even our discoveries about Spirit. I'm talking about you and me." Rose goes very still under her hands, like she's holding her breath. "What happened to us?" Lissa questions running her thumbs across the skin of Rose's neck. She can feel Rose shiver beneath her fingers. "I miss you." Lissa whispers as a tear falls down her face. Rose digs her nails into her palms to remind herself to stay calm as she battles with herself.

Rose is not exactly sure how to respond to this display of affection. She has loved Lissa since they were children playing Knights and Queens and Rose was Lissa's knight in shining armour. When they were kids Rose had loved being the Knight because the knight always got to slay the dragon and protect the princess and Lissa looked like a princess to Rose, worthy of her protection. It didn't take long however, for Rose to realize that the game was just mimicking her real life. Rose had to grow up to become a guardian so she could protect Lissa and protection meant never wanting anything but the safety of your charge. Rose had spent her whole life protecting and loving Lissa, every single thought was of her. Everything she did was for her. To be a good knight meant knowing that she was disposable. "They come first" was the guardian mantra, a phrase she would come to resent.

She ran away from their school and protected Lissa when no one else saw a threat. She made sure they were fed, clothed, and had a roof over their heads while in Oregon. In Oregon, the weight of being both caretaker and protector had been easier to bear because at least then she was allowed to love Lissa openly and Lissa didn't mind. Those times in Oregon seemed more and more like a wonderful dream with every day that passed. They had never spoken of those days and Rose learned a long time ago how to keep her feelings to herself. Lissa had Christian. Rose had Dimitri. There were certain things that were unchangeable that Rose had learned throughout her life. Things she knew she couldn't have no matter how much she wanted them. And while this whole trainwreck was going on she also learned that it was ok to want something just for herself, something that she wouldn't have to share with Lissa, something she wouldn't have to sacrifice eventually. All for Lissa.

"Do you remember that time at the mall? When we had that amazing shopping trip and it felt like we would be happy forever? What happened between then and now?" "We grew up." Rose replies before kissing Lissa one last time. The kiss is soft and slow and it makes Lissa feel desperate. She wants to pull Rose closer but she already feels her pulling away from her hands. As Rose begins to head for the door Lissa's arms already ached from her absence.


End file.
